real life, 2025
reminder to wash dishes — 5.30pm
One morning you wake up, and you want to shave your head because the insects living up there have started to throw parties they aren’t inviting you to. And you tell me I’m crazy? I just want to live. I just want to feel something. Anything. - The Beginning of the End by Headache
sitting here at my desk at this morning afternoon, watching the sonata watch besides me, tick with an urgency that feels almost alive… its hands seem to move faster lately, like they're trying to tell me something… hurry, create, become. funny how time feels different when you're wrestling with promises made to yourself (yeah, i made to write this post)...
"hopefully," i whisper to the questions about this year's resolutions (past years roll-ons actually). my colleague used this word often in the team meetings that stretched often into ranting sessions — i got infected to that word from her. such a delicate word, carrying the weight of so many past promises - some kept, some scattered like autumn leaves. my younger self would probably roll his eyes at this uncertainty, demand concrete answers, bullet-pointed plans 🍂
"we'll see," i offer instead, holding hope like a paper boat while my self-worth plays hide and seek in the corners of my mind. oh, how that younger version of me would hate this answer! he'd sit me down, eyes blazing with conviction, ready to sweep away my doubts. and true to form, i'd argue back (because isn't that just what we do?) - armed with a portfolio of failures and unchecked boxes, building my case against myself with the precision of a prosecutor, instead of designer.
but then... exhaustion. collapsing onto the floor like a child, frustrated by how last year twisted me into shapes i didn't recognize, spitting me out like those stale gumballs that always disappoint 🌀
last year threw punches i wasn't ready for
i've done the ritual - scrolled through my photo galleries of half-eaten meals and forgotten sunsets, notes app entries screaming in capital letters, quotes saved for someday, laughter caught in pixelated memories. but these mirrors to the past are clouded, smudged with imperfect recollections and beautiful distortions.
we've made an art of this, haven't we? dissecting memories like specimens under glass. that sunset wasn't just light painting the sky - it was content. that laughter wasn't just joy - it was proof of living. we consume life in bite-sized pieces — thoughts becoming posts becoming quotes becoming reels, an endless cycle of digital echoes 📱
the human mind wasn't built to process a year in one sitting. we can't map the waves of existence like data points on a graph. life reveals its meaning slowly, like a polaroid (yes, i wanted to buy one) developing in reverse, clear only when we've stopped looking so hard. real life doesn't start in this new year, or on the weekend. it doesn't start when you graduate, or when you land a job, or when you quit your job. it doesn’t start once you get a handle on your anxiety, or fix your sleep schedule, or finish all the tasks in your to-do list.
real life is made of moments like this. it’s waking up with dread and clutching at your phone for relief. it’s being mildly frustrated at all your friends for the various ways in which they don’t understand you. real life is turning the pants inside out to put in the washer, it’s scrubbing the same pan clean for the hundredth time, it’s being surprised that even with all the fun of a friday night, you’re just as sad to say goodbye, just as sad as when you were a child.
but each dawn brings its own fresh page. tomorrow might be just another saturday, or perhaps the saturday that changes everything. the sun will rise, paint the sky, and set again - leaving us to make what we will of the hours between. time doesn't promise understanding, just only a blank page for our pen ✨
i wish i could tell my younger self — sometimes the noise is just noise. some memories were meant to be held, not analyzed. some years were meant to be survived, not solved.
the mind spins with questions, but the heart... ah, the heart knows the quiet truth of it all 🌱
what my mind spun so far this year
“Some years you win, some years you build character” - some people say that Steve Jobs said this but according to chatgpt dot com, he never did. so it's probably just that thing where we pretend famous people say profound things to make the words more powerful and the people more famous.
“the compass was invented before the clock because direction is more important than time.” - again, no idea who said this but… bars.
an insanely poignant video essay on the human pursuit for satisfaction, and a simultaneous journey into and from depression/insanity
"serenity is something you get when you stop wishing for a different past" - an incredible line from Sound of Metal, a must-watch film if you haven’t yet.
“an, sometimes it takes you a long time to sound like yourself” - Miles Davis
this one was inspired by the album The Head Hurts But The Heart Knows The Truth by Headache and Vegyn (who also co-produced Frank Ocean’s Blonde and Endless). i was stuck on my final post of 2024 for a while, and listening to this album helped me carry forward from my previous post and piece together the loose ends.
cheers to lovely 2025,
— ganesha 🤍